Now Hiring Minions . . . . Apply Within

Have you ever been so fustrated with life in general that you just want to run around screaming at the top of your lungs to everybody that has pissed you off? Maybe I am truely certifiable, but when people piss me off I tend to put on a nice smile and just try to ignore the fact I am pissed. The down side of this is that if too many people piss you off in one chunk of time, your brain has no choice but to start leaking the pent up frustrations in the forms of dirtly looks, under the breath obsenities and general grumpiness.

However - I have come up with a solution to all of MY problems.

I hereby declare myself master of the universe. Anybody who pisses me off, frustrates me, or annoys me will be paid a visit by one of my trusty minions to have your lips either super glued shut or sewn closed.

If you object, you will just annoy me further.

I Can't Quite Decide . . . . Is This Good Luck Or Bad Luck?

Violet Constance Jessop (2 October 1887 – 5 May 1971) was an ocean liner stewardess. Working for the White Star Line, Violet Jessop was on board when the RMS Olympic collided with HMS Hawke; on board the RMS Titanic when it struck an iceberg and sank killing more than 1,500 people; and, during World War I, she was serving as a nurse on board HMHS Britannic when it was sunk by a naval mine, killing 30 people. The coincidence on being on all three Olympic-class vessels when each suffered a serious hull breach has made Violet Jessop's story a popular anecdote among Titanic enthusiasts.

Um. . . . This Is Just Confusing

Shoe designer Marc Jacobs recently crossed a frontier in fashion by introducing women's high-heeled shoes with the "heel" in the front. Wrote London's Daily Mail: "A chunky, 4-inch heel nestles horizontally just under the ball of the foot. Where you'd expect a heel, there is nothing but fresh air." Models of the shoe are priced in the $500 to $700 range. [Daily Mail (London), 9-7-07]

This Would Not Work In Wisconsin

In another victory for Hindu sensibility, the government cracked down on the rustling of "sacred" cattle in August by issuing ID cards with photos of individual cows, to help guards at the Bangladesh border halt the illegal trade. [BBC News, 8-30-07]

Matchmaking for Small Towns - Why Not Do This Here In The US

Spaniard Manuel Gozalo organizes bus trips of women from Madrid to isolated rural villages, which most of the native females have long since abandoned for cities, leaving lonely single men. His "caravanas de amor" (caravans of love) have made 32 day-trips since 1995, promising the ladies some fun and dancing (and possible romance) and the men perhaps a last chance at finding a companion (and Gozalo told London's Independent in July that his caravans have produced at least 40 marriages). [The Independent, 7-31-07]

Women Who Swear To Be Men

In the northern Albanian countryside, about 40 women still practice an ancient tradition as "sworn virgins," who are young females who renounce sex forever in exchange for being treated as men, according to an August Washington Post interview of Elvira Dones, an Albanian native who recently completed a documentary on the subject. The oath is usually taken in front of a town's elders, and the likeliest candidates come from homes in need of a male head of household (because of death or abandonment). Even in such a male-dominated society, according to Dones, men seem to accept the "sworn virgins" as equals. [Washington Post, 8-11-07

Stupid People Tick Me Off

Stupid people tick me off. Even worse are stupid people who think that they are smart. My tick off list currently stands at the below. I reserve the right to add to it as people continue to show their stupidity.
1. George W Bush
2. Jesse Ventura
3. Anybody with the last name of Bush.
4. Anybody who thinks people in Northern MN are open minded.
5. The guy in the gray Toyota who cut me off this morning.
6. Anybody who works at Comcast.
7. Anybody who works at Xcell.
8. My downstairs neighbors.
9. My ex's entire family.
10. Anybody who pisses me off.

Freaky Fetishes Part II

Fetishes on Parade: A 50-year-old man was detained by police in August after complaints at Disneyland near Paris. Witnesses said the man had sprinkled itching powder on young children so that he could video-record them scratching themselves. [Daily Telegraph (Sydney, Australia)-AAP, 8-8-07]

And in September, Norman Hutchins, 56, was again jailed after incidents at England's Bradford Royal Infirmary, where he faked an illness to gain entrance so that he could steal equipment for his sexual gratification. Police records showed Hutchins as obsessed since 1970, with oxygen masks, gowns and syringes, among other items. [The Northern Echo (Darlington, England), 9-4-07]

A Teacher And A Student Love Story - Yeah Right!

Not Our Fault: Dennis and Betty Hager filed a lawsuit in Wilmington, N.C., in July against the school system for causing them emotional pain and suffering by not stopping the love affair between their 16-year-old daughter and the school's married, 40-year-old track coach. However, the Hagers have already signed a form (to satisfy state law) to allow the daughter to marry the coach. [WNYW-TV (New York City)-AP, 7-11-07]

How Do I Get In On This?

Helene de Gier filed a lawsuit earlier this year against the National Postcode Lottery of the Netherlands, claiming emotional distress from not winning, even though she never entered. That particular lottery picks a geographic postal code at random and awards prizes to all of its residents who have entered that lottery. Since so many of her neighbors were flaunting prizes, she felt particularly humiliated, she says. (Seven people on her street won the equivalent of about $18 million each, according to a June Associated Press dispatch.) [International Herald Tribune-AP, 6- 20-07]

I Hear The Theme From X Files

Stephen Peterson, 42, went back to court in Sydney, Australia, in August to challenge the "not guilty/insanity" decision against him nearly 10 years ago, claiming that he should have been allowed to call as defense witnesses certain "higher beings" who had ordered him to bash the victim. Those entities included the "sun god," Spacedust, and the "plasma being," Kadec. The court turned him down. [Fairfax Media (Auckland, New Zealand), 8-20-07]

British physician Stuart Brown, 37, was sentenced in August only to a small fine after a conviction for brutally beating his wife. Brown had explained the fight by saying that a "red mist" had descended on the room, causing him to lose control. [Daily Mail (London), 8-22-07]

Not Wondering Why He Is Single . . .

Ralph Whittington, 57, retired in 2000 as curator of the main reading room at the Library of Congress, but was better known as the "King of Porn" for his private collection that he recently sold (500 boxes' worth) to the Museum of Sex in New York City.
Whittington's home (which he shares with his mother, after his wife left him) was, before the sale, "packed to the rafters," said the Museum's buyer to The Washington Post in August. "Downstairs, you had to walk sideways to get through the rooms." Said Mom, "It's something he loves. You see men his age going to bars or on dope. But he [was] home day and night [indexing and cross-referencing]. That [gave] me peace of mind." [Washington Post, 8-24-07]

Tough Assed Minnesota Seniors

Too Puny for a Life of Crime: Keith Bellanger, 20, failed in his attempted burglary in Duluth, Minn., in September when homeowner Wayne Boniface, age 69, walked in and beat him up so thoroughly that Bellanger had all his clothes ripped off trying to get away. [Duluth News Tribune, 9-8-07]

We All Need Fiber

Just when Internet newspaper sites appear to be gaining ground as replacements for printed editions, a 70-year-old woman identified only as Maggie told the Edmonton (Alberta) Sun in September that her paper edition of the Sun is a crucial part of her daily diet, literally. She eats it, in strips, and has, she said, for the past seven years because it tastes good. "I can't explain it," she said, and it was only when she recently experienced a blockage of her esophagus, and doctors found a ball of paper, that she revealed her obsession. Doctors cited by the Sun said that except for the blockage danger, newspaper eating is not unhealthful. [Edmonton Sun, 9-5-07]

Calling Reverand Freako!

People Who Are Messes: Tommy Tester, 58, minister of Gospel Baptist Church in Bristol, Va., was arrested in July after he allegedly urinated at a car wash, in front of children and police officers, while wearing a skirt. (Police said alcohol was involved.) [Bristol Herald Courier, 7-31-07]

Trading 19 Cents for $999,798 - Only Our Government

Bookkeepers Wanted: Pentagon investigators discovered in August that a small South Carolina company fraudulently collected $20.5 million in shipping costs, including one invoice of $999,798 for sending two washers (cost: 19 cents each) to a base in Texas. According to Bloomberg News, the Defense Department was said to have a policy of automatically and unquestioningly paying shipping bills labeled "priority." [Bloomberg News, 8-16-07]

Jolly Greeen Mouse Head worth $100 Dollars

LEHI, Utah - An Arkansas company is offering $100 to a Utah woman who found a severed mouse head in a can of green beans if she pledges not to take legal action.
The letter from Allens Inc. of Siloam Springs, Ark., describes it as a "gesture of goodwill." Marianne Watson isn't interested.
"I won't sign it under any circumstances," she said. Watson, 49, said she never wanted to take legal action.
She said she wants to "put enough media attention on them that they either withdraw those cans or do something other than what they're trying to do, which is shut me up."
Watson was cooking lunch for two sons Sunday when she said she found a severed mouse head in a can of Allens Cut Green Beans, which had been purchased at a Wal-Mart store in American Fork.
Allens spokesman James Phillips said the mouse probably was picked up during the harvest and did not originate in the canning factory. He called it an isolated incident.
"We apologize as much as we can, but we also do everything known from a technology standpoint and personnel standpoint to prevent it from happening," he said. "But inevitably, occasionally, things like this occur."
Watson said she may have the mouse remnants and green beans tested. She has refused to return them to the company.
"I was thankful I had a little soup earlier because I couldn't eat after seeing that," she said.